The Devil May Care

I'm Only 22/ I'll Live Forever

I am nothing now. I am nothing. I am nothing like I used to be: wise, independent, beautiful, intelligent, strong, inspired, careful, promising. No. Now all these qualities have left my body and gone away from me. These qualities have been pulled out of my body and found another girl to host them. Now I am empty and I have no dreams. I just sit and stare and sleep until noon hoping that something meaningful will come of my life. I don't want to get up but I hate that I am laying down. I don't want to be anything anymore but I hate that I am nothing. This is purgatory for sure. I feel like a lost balloon floating around the sky waiting for the moment when the pressure becomes too much and I just pop! and fall to the ground. Decompressed and flattened, my rubbery eyes will just flap around with out any sense of purpose until I just sink back to where I started... nowhere. Jesus, is this life? Is this really all it is? I've been trying to avoid the answers. And now the guilt is too thick and coated on my skin so I feel like I have to wash it off and get back to good. But how the fuck am I supposed to do that now? And in THIS America? I can't get a job. And I am not terribly excited to go back to school and read and sit in desks with kids who are smarter than me. They will get all the good jobs and I'll ending up sucking the life out of my parents forever until they die and I just inherit their debt and reap what I've sown in this shit storm of a suburban life. I wish I felt like creating something new. But I just feel forever lost in a zero-visibility snow storm and it feels like it will never stop. It feels like the white will never go away and well, I will just always be blinded from whatever it is I know is out there but can't seem to find. I can't find anything. I can't find myself, that's for sure. I don't even know who I am anymore. Where am I? Who is she? When you find out, could you tell me, please? And where did everything else go that used to be so good? I used to be so wise beyond my years. Not anymore. No way. Now I am just a faded picture of something that used to be cool and inspired. Now I am just coughing and choking and sleeping and drinking and begging for mercy from this self-loathing that's placating my ambition. All this is going on in my head as I can hear my father yelling on the phone in the other room, talking down to some poor woman who is only trying to get by without dying. And he just keep his condescension pouring down onto the voice on the other end of the line. And I hear his voice it is cold and forced down your ears and shoves the words back down your throat before you can even get them out to throw back in his face and then he just cuts you off and says "HAVE A GREAT DAY."

Yeah. Well. This is it. This is the life that they set me up for. This is what I have chosen to be. Nothing. Just another dead flower. 

don't break

don't fuck it up.

i'm in love with this power that shows through in your eyes

Let's fall in love
But let's not talk about it for weeks.
Let's not talk about it ever,
Because words don't mean
Anything at all.

The words will only turn on us
And then turn us on
to confusion when we could just keep it quiet
And keep it cool.

Fill the empty spaces with silence.
It's more becoming of us than conversation.

It's already real to me... What you are.
Despite the black, brown, and white outs
I'm ready for our love to be true.
I'm ready for you.

And me.

i want to make room for you

Maybe home is a thought, not a place
Where you can move and still be safe
Only I know in another time
I can feel its edges and it's fine
I want to steal from you, only you
Make room for you

anti-love

I should just give up. I woke up this morning and couldn't find the guts to get out of bed until 5:49 pm. My head felt like an ocean of ghosts were swimming around in there. They just wait up in there carrying my will to continue away from me. The ghosts carry the catalyst to my motionless infection away from me. I should just give up.

So here I am like a little girl again, watching the light on the walls shift from one end of the room to another. I watch the jaundice yellow light slip slowly over the back of the serpent of time. My only stimuli is in my ears, waiting for the minor infraction to pass away again to the tick ticking of the clock.

I'm not how I used to be. I used to be bright. I used to be wise. I used to be awake and adorably alive to the day. I used to fill the spaces of the corners of time with laughter and meaning. Now I am just waiting for a dollar. I'm living one day at a time senselessly and without reason. I'm living without love.

just give up

"...until she has demonstrated that she is willing to sacrifice politeness for honesty."

BABY/ IT'S A SIN

I ain't never played a jewel thief

fucking men. Jesus christ, Maxine.
I'm headed for a breakdown
through a portal of repulsive guilt,
 lust, and hard up  broken guts.

I'll protect you dollface...
Bye bye.

good thing/ bad thing
shit soul
brain or whatever
I wanted to be her
I wanna be her tomorrow,

I'll meet you on the side of the road.
no. No I wanna go.
I can hear the rain.

this is it.
the end of innocence.
consciousness kicks in with the drugs and I knew who I was
in the dark

significant


someone else.
wasn't I?

once?



take me back to good.
everybody wants to be someone else.

Glass Candy - Digital Versicolor

run away

how?

I never should have left you
For a sea of cowards, and old friends
Trying, Kicking heroin, beating their brains.
Those old timers who were once daily faces and then faded away when we fell in love
Are back in the same night
And room
As I am.
I left you and now I have my life,
For myself. Wasted and mean.
Depreciating.
Junkies s
Come to
And realize they are sick.
They see what they are doing
But keep
Keep keep shooting up on clean days
And then
Take me up the 605 freeway
To score.
I never should have left you
To become a declination of what I used to be
When I used to be a good woman
For you, for me,
For my mother,
For our house and our home,
Our love and our fire.
I remember our fire
And can't remember now
Why I blew it out.
And now, look at me...
What am i ?
What am I
Without you
But a snake charmer
And a cruel vessel
Taking my pearls down with me
As I'm sinking.
I never should have left you
And what used to be our warm, happy home
With a working garbage disposal and a dog
We had a bedroom like summer most nights,
And the bathroom that synthesized our separate beings into one room of ritualistic morning toothpaste and clean hot water fogging up the mirror.
Your mother told me I'd regret it when I did this.
Your mother told me I'd regret this.
And now
Now that I've flown away
to everything away from you
I want to fly home
Back to good.
But you are going out with Lauren tomorrow and I am dope sick.
-Michelle

WHILE COLOR LIGHTS UP YOUR FACE

Going to the LACMA next week to see William Eggleston's prints.

heavenly body

THIS IS A FOUND POEM FROM THE MOON BOOK (1977).

Space Flight

eight years,

Beginning in 1969.

Luna

Dr. French

ancient Brazilian impact crater twenty-five miles in diameter and 150,000,000 years old.

lunar samples

thirty-five technical papers

terrestrial meteorite craters,

and lunar samples

The Year Of Punk 19/12/77

uhhhh.... nevermind, Seattle.