The Devil May Care

I'm Only 22/ I'll Live Forever

I am nothing now. I am nothing. I am nothing like I used to be: wise, independent, beautiful, intelligent, strong, inspired, careful, promising. No. Now all these qualities have left my body and gone away from me. These qualities have been pulled out of my body and found another girl to host them. Now I am empty and I have no dreams. I just sit and stare and sleep until noon hoping that something meaningful will come of my life. I don't want to get up but I hate that I am laying down. I don't want to be anything anymore but I hate that I am nothing. This is purgatory for sure. I feel like a lost balloon floating around the sky waiting for the moment when the pressure becomes too much and I just pop! and fall to the ground. Decompressed and flattened, my rubbery eyes will just flap around with out any sense of purpose until I just sink back to where I started... nowhere. Jesus, is this life? Is this really all it is? I've been trying to avoid the answers. And now the guilt is too thick and coated on my skin so I feel like I have to wash it off and get back to good. But how the fuck am I supposed to do that now? And in THIS America? I can't get a job. And I am not terribly excited to go back to school and read and sit in desks with kids who are smarter than me. They will get all the good jobs and I'll ending up sucking the life out of my parents forever until they die and I just inherit their debt and reap what I've sown in this shit storm of a suburban life. I wish I felt like creating something new. But I just feel forever lost in a zero-visibility snow storm and it feels like it will never stop. It feels like the white will never go away and well, I will just always be blinded from whatever it is I know is out there but can't seem to find. I can't find anything. I can't find myself, that's for sure. I don't even know who I am anymore. Where am I? Who is she? When you find out, could you tell me, please? And where did everything else go that used to be so good? I used to be so wise beyond my years. Not anymore. No way. Now I am just a faded picture of something that used to be cool and inspired. Now I am just coughing and choking and sleeping and drinking and begging for mercy from this self-loathing that's placating my ambition. All this is going on in my head as I can hear my father yelling on the phone in the other room, talking down to some poor woman who is only trying to get by without dying. And he just keep his condescension pouring down onto the voice on the other end of the line. And I hear his voice it is cold and forced down your ears and shoves the words back down your throat before you can even get them out to throw back in his face and then he just cuts you off and says "HAVE A GREAT DAY."

Yeah. Well. This is it. This is the life that they set me up for. This is what I have chosen to be. Nothing. Just another dead flower. 

don't break

don't fuck it up.

i'm in love with this power that shows through in your eyes

Let's fall in love
But let's not talk about it for weeks.
Let's not talk about it ever,
Because words don't mean
Anything at all.

The words will only turn on us
And then turn us on
to confusion when we could just keep it quiet
And keep it cool.

Fill the empty spaces with silence.
It's more becoming of us than conversation.

It's already real to me... What you are.
Despite the black, brown, and white outs
I'm ready for our love to be true.
I'm ready for you.

And me.